So, I finally had the “closure conversation” with my ex, that I probably should have had, literally, years ago, and… I knew it had been way too long, so I picked up the phone, and thankfully, she answered. This is how it all went.
Before calling, I ran through all of the things I’d been waiting to say, out loud. After a 15 minute monologue, I had it all out.
Calling your ex checklist:
- Knowing what the hell you’re going to say – Check
- Having the proof to back it all up – Check
- Being prepared to answer anything she might ask you – Check
I even went as far as making sure I was clean shaven and well dressed, because studies show the clothes you wear play a part in your mood and mental state. Everything checked off my list, looking handsome, 15-minute monologue mastered, I picked up the phone.
Expectation versus reality
“We can talk right now. You have 30 seconds.” She said.
Guys, I don’t have to tell you, when life’s thrown you in the deep end, it’s no time to complain about not knowing how to swim. You just gotta figure it out on the fly. So I went with it. It was a rushed, imperfect, condensed version of my would-have-been-10-minute oration, I didn’t get into any concrete examples of some of the things I said, but the gist of it was out there.
I hadn’t called to try to get back together. The reality is, when you haven’t even spoken to someone in a couple of years, you don’t even know who they are anymore. But I wanted her to hear some apologies, and let her know I mapped out all of the mistakes I made (26 in total, not that I got into them), and that I had spent the past year or two reading and learning and trying to grow into my best self, and that she was a big influence in the person I was designing myself to be.
The end result
The long story short is, she doesn’t want anything to do with me, which is fair, but I think that she does wish me the best, which is mutual. She told me, more than once, to take care, and to learn, and grow, and apply it to my next relationship. That’s the plan.
She wasn’t warm, she was as cool as she needed to be, and I respect her for it. It was definitely not my worst case scenario, because at the end of the day I got exactly what I needed, and hopefully some part of our conversation helped her or made her feel better in some tiny way. Maybe not. Whatever…
But that’s not everything…
She also told me that she dislikes still living on this site. Our relationship is something that she’s buried, and she wants it to stay buried and not live in old posts on here from years ago. I told her I could take those down.
After a late dinner I logged in to the site to remove those old posts. There were mentions of her on 20 different pages. Kind of a lot, but also not a lot, considering the site has about 2,000 pages.
Then it hit me: These posts aren’t just mentions of her story. These pages are the story of my life. These stories came in my early twenties, a time shortly after my father passed away. They are the archive of some of the most monumental, meaningful, and crazy times of my life.
Finding balance in a post-contortionist existence
I didn’t want to remove the pages completely anymore, but I did want to respect her. I needed to find the balance point. I decided that if she didn’t want her past to live on YouMotorcycle anymore, I would find a way to respect that.
Disassociating your ex from your blog checklist:
- Remove any mentions of her name and replace with her first initial – Check
- Remove any links to her social media accounts you were promoting – Check
- Remove any links to her business website you were promoting – Check
But what about pictures?
That was a tough call. I’ve decided to keep them up, at least for now, but with some changes. I’ll be removing the META information such as title tag, description tag, alt text, and other geeky website stuff. That means unless you already happen to be on my site and already happen to know who she is, these images would no longer have any association with her.
She’s been edited out of 20 pages and I’ll go through the pictures in the next few days.
Search engines routinely index the site, meaning they scan for changes to the content, so in the coming days/weeks the references to her from this site will drop down to zero, for both text and image searches on Google.
And on a personal level… what more can I say?
Love fully, madly, deeply. Never let your ego get the best of you. Shout it out from the rooftops. If you find someone willing to move heaven and earth for you, than you better be damn ready to do the same or you’ll risk losing them, or worse, hurting them. Indulge in her favorite things, even if they seem silly. Bring her into your favorite things. Listen to her fears, and be her hero. Find out what her love languages are, even if you’ll keep on forgetting them. If you find a woman who truly treats you like gold, make sure you do the same.
There’s an Italian valediction, tante belle cose. It means, I wish you many beautiful things (experiences, feelings, items, etc.). I wish her all of the beautiful things in life, and I know she’ll get them.
You take care too,
First article I’ve read in quite a while (I left motorcycling about three years ago, but couldn’t part with all my gear. So, hey… you never know). I haven’t had one of these post-relationship talks in decades, either. But your words brought up many of those old feelings: the need for closure, the fear she may have moved on so quickly, that she just doesn’t care anymore. The realization that the kindest thing to do, is just to let long-forgotten feelings and disappointments stay in the past.
It’s nice to know, as I age, that at least my fears and hang-ups are still trendy. ;)